Newsweek has an
article up on stillbirth, if anyone should find themselves interested. I thought it was good.
I went to the cemetery today for the first time in exactly three months. I had to uncover the gravestone from all the snow and ice. I didn't expect to go there, so I got the job done between my hands and some sticks. We're six months in now. I noticed the other day that I'm having a hard time with crying. I just can't seem to do it anymore. When I think about the twins, that is. Maybe it's acceptance. I try to conjure up new thoughts to get some tears out. I remembered that Evan and I had talked to them, in the belly, right before we went to sleep that night. I don't know if babies that little can be afraid, but we told them not to be. And we told them that we loved them. That worked a little.
We went to this Respect for Life prayer breakfast on Saturday. It's put on annually by the
Pennsylvanians for Human Life, a grassroots pro-life organization. It was nice. Very informative, too. Which wasn't as "nice" as it was staggering. The main speaker heads up a sort of retreat where she counsels mothers who have had abortions. It's called
Rachel's Vineyard. Just hearing about the physical and psychological trauma these women can suffer is enough to make me weep. Please write your representatives about absolutely, definitely not letting this FoCA (Freedom of Choice Act) pass. President Obama's views on this particular subject make me so sick to my stomach. Not so much angry, just really, really sick and sad.
Comments (3)
kate, i dont know if this question is out of line because i don't understand your pain, but i read that article and saw the organization attached to it: now i lay me down to sleep. i know you are a very talented photographer, did you think that being a volunteer photographer for them might be something you would some day do? it just struck me as interesting, and like i said.. if it is out of line in any way, i am truly sorry. i'm not sure exactly what your pain is like and if that would be too upsetting for you. i love you kate.
@rhonda_adora - sorry, i forgot you had asked me this! you're not out of line at all.
now i lay me down to sleep is such an awesome service to people! sadly, i had only heard about it after our experience with the twins. i don't know if you got a chance to see any of the pictures they've done, but they are so beautiful. the bare-bones realities of stillbirth can be very un-beautiful, and i think they do a great job of creating very lovely memories for people. when you think of it, these pictures are really all that these families have, besides the foggy memories that are left of the pregnancy, etc. i say foggy because i know that many people, myself included, can have a hard time remembering things well before the shock hits. and i pride myself on my memory! i'm telling you, i have vivid memories from when i was four... i have a really, really difficult time when i try to think on good times during my pregnancy. i just can't remember what it was like. seriously, in my mind, it was easter, i found out i was pregnant, and then it was july and we were at the 21-week ultrasound, finding out about problems from then on. so again, i think that ministry is just so phenomenal. as far as getting involved in that myself, i'm just not that great of a photographer. haha i mean, i have an eye for photography and all, but their work is just so professional and gorgeous. also, i have no idea what it's like to work as a professional photographer - working with people and stuff. now i lay me down to sleep is kinda like this confederation of professional photographers (with actual businesses and stuff) who opt to volunteer their services for that end. pretty awesome, isn't it?
@kateraide - yeah! it's actually amazing! what they do is so beautiful. i just never really understood the realities of stillbirth. you see so many pregnancies, so many babies in stores and whatnot, that it's hard to remember it doesn't always go as planned. plus, i haven't even really considered pregnancy yet, so i dont think about it, you know? reading your journal helps me understand how painful it must be, to actually want children, and have difficulties, when there are couples out there popping them out for tax breaks. my heart aches for you, kate. i believe without reservation that you will be blessed for your courage.
and i will not be fake with you... people always say "it gets better with time" and i don't believe that. i believe that the reality of loss stays with you, and as johnny cash said, "there's no way around grief and loss: you can dodge it all you want, but sooner or later, you just have to go into it, through it, and, hopefully come out the other side. and the world you find there will never be the same as the world you left." that last line always gets me... the world you find will never be the same as the world you left. its like you've lost some sort of something.. innocence or otherwise.. it's just different. and the pearl in the oyster that i have found in your situation, is that abel and noah will not feel that type of sadness or emptiness, ever. for the entirety of their lives, they felt your love and comfort. how wonderful that must have been for them. and how wonderful it is that they were given to parents that will always love and remember them, instead of hiding their existence. you are a strong woman, kate. i most definitely miss you.